


dead flowers, dark waters

by moriphyte



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 02:50:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10981800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriphyte/pseuds/moriphyte
Summary: "a familiar tender keeps crumbling beneath the same sea.the tide takes me in each time the shore creeps closer and i do not (yet,) have the strength to be.why must i move with her when she is so apathetic to submersion.maybe if i close my eyes sweeter the moon will take me where i need to go."–Backstroke, Jamie Oliveirasalt water burns scarred skin but the pain is welcomesometimes you feel like death is calling you home





	dead flowers, dark waters

**Author's Note:**

> im cafe hopping rn while i wait to go to the portland airport. i wrote this while i was at the beach swimming between two rocks in a fuckin DADS shirt cause im just that hardcore. this is just a character study on Lapis inspired by the beginning scene in Top Of The Lake where Tui is in the lake, thats a really good show btw yall should watch it (its sad tho)

You lay still in bed watching how the moonlight streams through the open window casting everything in the dark room in silver light   
You watch the white curtains dance in the sea breeze and listen to the distant waves crash against the rocks  
On the other side of your small room Peridot is a tiny lump curled up under the faded sea shell patterned comforter while a small fan hums at the base of her bed.  
Her cheek is pressed to her pillow, her mess of blonde hair sticking up at all angles and she holds her phone close to her, having fallen asleep while on it like she does almost every night.  
You wish it were that easy for you. You've been falling in and out of sleep all night thanks only to the noise of the fan and the small amount of white wine you had at dinner humming in your stomach and warming your body.

  
In the end though the thoughts always win, keeping you terribly, painfully awake despite the heavy tiredness in your whole body weighting you down like chains  
You sigh and push yourself up in bed, running you hand through your mess of dark blue hair  
Quietly you climb out of bed and pad across the salt warped wooden floor to the open window  
Outside the moon casts a silver glow over the beach and you watch as the waves rise and fall, so sweetly silent and so deafeningly loud  
You take a breath of the salty air and sigh, turning from the window and walking back over to your bed  
On your way you stop to turn the fan down. It's not like it's hot out, but you like the noise of it.

  
You pull off your loose shirt and toss it onto the mess of sheets on your bed leaving you in your underwear  
In the moonlight your scars are visible and for a moment you stop to look at yourself in the smudged mirror  
You look at your thin body, the way your skin stretches over your sharp bones, the scars and cuts on your arms, the dark bruises of lack of sleep under your blue eyes

  
You sigh and look away from your reflection, you never liked mirrors  
You pick up a pale blue cotton dress from the floor and pull it on over your body  
You walk to the door and slip out into the hallway, padding across the living room carefully avoiding Steven and Connie where they lay asleep on the floor with the light from the muted tv dancing over them  
You push through the torn screen door and out onto the back deck, padding across the sandy wood and stepping down into the cool sand

  
You take the path through the tall, swaying grass as the breeze blows your dress around your bare legs. As you walk you feel the grass touch your bare legs, ghosting across your scarred skin  
Your bare feet are cool in the sand as you walk down onto the empty beach  
You look out across the ocean, watching the waves crash against the large dark rocks  
You close your eyes and take a breath of sea air and you immediately feel yourself calm  
You feel the water calling you, pulling you in like a riptide

  
You walk towards the water, your eyes fixed on the waves.  
You feel the sand beneath your feet slowly become more wet, feeling the tide lines as you walk  
You come to the edge of the water and stop, watching the water as it comes towards you  
The cold water touches your feet and you take a sharp breath as the cold awakens your mind  
You think back to what your life was like only a few months ago

  
Sadness held you down like chains on your wrists. You were trapped and it was taking everything in you to keep yourself together but you were tired, so so tired.  
You were stuck, trapped in a relationship that could be called nothing but poisonous, toxic. It eroded away at both of you like chemical salt until you were both left damaged. In the end you ran away, like you always do.

  
Steven, the only friend you really had, helped you find a place to stay with his friend Peridot.   
At first you found her irritating, you just wanted to be alone after so long of being chained to someone else, but eventually you warmed up to her.  
Now, for the first time in your life you feel like you have a real home. With Peridot, with Steven, even with Connie and Garnet Amethyst and Pearl.   
But just because you left doesn't mean you don't still think about her every day. It's hard not to when you flinch every time someone touches you. There are bruises too. You hate how long they take to heal, they're like dark stains on your skin, reminders of her. The cuts are from you, but you don't like to think about that either.

You step deeper into the water until you're up to your waste and then your shoulders. The water is cold but your body has gone numb. You step deeper and look out across the dark water.   
You think about what it would be like to just let go, to let the water pull you down. You think it might be peaceful, more peaceful than taking pills, which you've considered more than once. You're already numb, maybe you could just close your eyes and let the ocean take you, pull you under and take you from this life that has caused you so much pain.

  
Then you think about your home. About Peridot and Steven, who you care about more than anything else in the world. You can't leave them, you have to stay, as painful as it is. And really its getting less painful with the months that pass. Its slow, but at least you're moving.   
You take another shaking breath and open your eyes, looking up at the moon as it shines down on you.

  
"Lapis!"  
You jump, spinning around to face the shore  
In the distance, just along the waters edge, you can see Peridot's small shape.  
"What the hell are you doing!?" she calls  
You don't answer, instead you make your way through the water towards where she stands on the shore. When you step onto the damp sand she looks up at you with her big green eyes and a look on her face thats a mixture of anger and concern.  
"What the hell are you doing?" she demands again  
You shrug, "I couldn't sleep"  
"So you decide to go swimming at one in the fucking morning?"   
You shrug again and she groans, throwing her hands up in frustration, "jesus christ, Lapis"  
You smile and put your cold wet hand on her shoulder, "calm down, Peri"   
"Calm down? Seriously? You're the one taking fucking midnight swims in the god damn pacific ocean" she says   
You let out a breath of laughter and shake your head, "come on, it's fucking cold"

  
When you get back inside you remove you soaking wet dress, leaving it on the bathroom floor as you take a hot shower. Pearl will freak out if she sees it but you don't particularly care. When you're done in the shower you wrap yourself in a fluffy towel and pad back into the bedroom you share with Peridot. She's waiting for you, sitting on the bed with her legs crossed. You notice two cups of tea on the table beside the bed.  
You walk over and plop down beside her, shaking the bed enough that she falls back, catching herself on her elbows. She glares up at you and you snort.   
"You're an asshole" she says as she pushes herself back up. She reaches over and takes the cups of tea, handing one to you and keeping the other for herself. You know its you to taste disgusting, you didn't think anyone could possibly be bad at making tea until you met Peridot, but you appreciate the gesture and the warmth.   
"So, why were you really in the water?" she asks, holding her tea close   
You look down at the cup of tea in your hands, "I don't know, I couldn't sleep so I just started walking"  
"And you just...walked into the ocean?" she says, not sounding convinced   
You shrug, "yeah, I guess"  
"Lapis" she says, her voice serious  
"Peridot" you say, mimicking her voice   
She frowns at you in annoyance, "are you okay?"  
You look down again, "yeah, I'm okay"  
"Are you sure?" she asks, leaning closer to look at you  
You roll your eyes, "Peridot, I'm fine"  
She huffs and crosses her arms over her small chest, "well I just found you up to your shoulders in the fucking ocean excuse me for being concerned"  
You snort again and she shoots you a glare, "its not funny Lapis, I'm worried about you, so is Steven, so is everyone!" she says   
You shrink in on yourself, suddenly feeling guilty, "I never asked you to be" you say quietly   
"You didn't have to! We're worried because we care about you, thats what families do" she says  
"Well I don't want you to be worried, I can take care of myself" you say  
"Lapis last week you had a panic attack when Pearl and Amethyst started arguing"  
You bite your lip, frowning at your hands, "it wasn't that bad"  
"You were shaking, Lapis, we couldn't get you to stop. Steven had to sing that stupid song to get you to calm down" she says seriously   
You lower your head at the memory. You hate your panic attacks, you hate looking so pathetic in front of the people you care about.  
"Fine, I'm not doing great" you admit  
She looks at you sadly, "do you want to talk about it?" she asks  
You shake your head.  
"Okay, then come on, I want to get some sleep before Pearl wakes up and starts making an ungodly amount of noise in the kitchen"  
You smile, "I don't know how she manages it"   
Peridot shakes her head, "me neither, I have some theories but so far I haven't been able to test any"  
"Thats because you don't want to get up that early" you say   
She frowns at you, "hey, its not like you get up that early either"  
"No, but I get up before you"  
"Well I get up before Amethyst" she says defensively   
"Everyone gets up before Amethyst" you say   
"Lets just go to bed already" she says which is her way of conceding  
You smile as you both bury yourselves under the covers, laying back to back  
"Night Lapis" she says and its so quiet you barely hear it  
"Night Peridot" 

 


End file.
